Archive for July 24th, 2010

The Blues

It appears that I didn’t get pregnant this month….again. I don’t know how much more of this I can take. We’ve been trying since December 2009 and back then I really thought we would be ending the summer by welcoming a new addition to the family. It appears we will be ending the summer without that addition even on the way. It’s discouraging, disappointing and saddening. I remember Christmas shopping for Charla last year thinking about how this coming Christmas I would be shopping for 2 children. Not going to happen. I really wanted the kids to be close to 2.5 years apart, now they will be at the least 3 years apart. I bought Charla a Big Sister t-shirt back in February/March thinking she would be wearing it this summer. Nope, she’s probably going to have pretty much outgrown it before I can even put it on her, if I’m ever able to put it on her.

Good news would have been so nice this month. Something to look forward to. Something to get us through this winter with Tim being laid off again. Obviously I could still become pregnant before winter hits, but right now I just feel hopeless. The news of not being pregnant is just the tip of the iceberg. It seems to be the straw that broke the camels back so to speak, regarding my emotional state and stress level. My thoughts start going places I don’t want them to go. I don’t want to feel so upset about something. I don’t want to take it out on Charla. Even if I’m not taking it out on her in such a way as to be mean, I still feel like I’m taking it out on her by not enjoying her the way I should. I feel like I’ve been looking forward too much lately instead of seeing what I have right in front of me.

I need to regroup and figure out what I want. I need to continue enjoying my life without having this huge dip at the end of every month. It’s just so so so hard.


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