Archive for August 2010




Coming To Terms

So, I’ve been a bit MIA lately. This is mostly due to the fact that I’ve been hiding out from my thoughts and feelings for the last week. Another month has gone by in which I did not get pregnant. This month I began charting my morning temp (BBT) and realized that the amount of time between ovulation and menstruation is not long enough. It needs to be 10 days minimum and mine was only 9 days.

Now I begin to ask myself, how much do I want this second child? Actually, that’s not even the right question. The real question should be, how much am I willing to do for a second child? This baby would be very wanted and loved, there’s no doubt about that. However, I am not too willing to be put on different medications, observed and tested. I definitely respect the women who decide to go this route, but I don’t have it in me. So, I came up with my own plan.

This month I am going to be charting my BBT again and will continue to do so until I get pregnant. I started taking 100mg of the vitamin B-6, which is supposed to aid in the production of progesterone. This afternoon I ordered some progesterone cream which I will use every day, twice per day, after ovulation until I’m either sure that month is a no go or until I’m 12 weeks pregnant. I’m also going to buy some ovulation predictor kits so I can pinpoint the correct day in my cycle. I’ve also started dieting in hopes that losing a bit of weight will help.

I need to be proactive about this my own way or it’s going to eat me up. I had really wanted Charla to be close in age to her little sibling. At this point, the closest they will be is 3 years. I have to come to terms with this. I need to set aside my ideal expectations. Life doesn’t always go the way one plans it to and it can be so hard to let those plans go. I think it’s okay to mourn the loss of the plans, but at the same time, it’s not healthy to dwell on them.

1 comment August 28, 2010

Making Friends

One of the most enjoyable parts of motherhood, for me, is watching Charla create relationships with others. Nothing will warm my heart faster than watching her play with her grandparents or aunt and uncle. Now that she getting older, she has started showing an interest in other children her age as well.

About 2 months ago she started preschool. I signed her up for 2 mornings per week because I thought it would be good for her. It was a bit of a tough transition for her and still is at times. However, every time I pick her up she goes on and on about her friends. Now she is even starting to name some of her most favorite friends. On Wednesday when I picked her up, she went up to a little boy and gave him a huge hug good-bye. A few mornings ago when I was dropping her off, a little girl saw Charla come in the room and her face lit up, it was obvious Charla was one of her friends! These are such adorable little relationships.

Today I took Charla to the park and there were 2 little girls there as well. They were probably 1-2 years older than Charla. The oldest of the 2 desperately wanted to play with Charla. She kept asking Charla to come play with her. Since Charla is still just in the very beginnings of socialization, she was a bit cautious and would follow along for a bit and then wander off to do something on her own. This was actually fine with the older girl who would basically just fall back for a little bit and then come over to see if Charla wanted to do something else. At one point they were going up to the slide together. Charla was having a bit of difficulty on a stair so she reached her hand toward the little girl and asked for help. The little girl took Charla’s hand and helped her up the stair!

As I was watching this interaction, it came to mind that next year Charla will be the older girl. It will be Charla’s turn to see a smaller child at the park and want to make friends and teach that child how to play. I can’t wait to watch her make friends and explore relationships.

Add a comment August 20, 2010

Heart Healthy

About 4 months ago my dad suffered an acute heart attack. To say this was shocking is an understatement. My dad was a member of the Navy and Naval Reserves my entire childhood and kept himself in pretty good physical condition. He would go jogging a few times each week for a few miles. He ate healthy and maintained a good body weight and blood pressure. So, when my mom called me that morning to tell me what had happened, it was so hard to understand and take in. Later on, we found out how lucky he was to have survived.

Without getting into too much medical detail, his heart attack wasn’t really lifestyle related. He had a bit of plaque that broke away from the wall of his artery. His blood formed a clot around this plaque since it was viewed as a foreign object. This blood clot then blocked his main blood vessel leading out of the aorta. Survival rate for this kind of heart attack is only about 10%. Out of that 10% there are varying degrees of damage to the heart and threat of recurrent heart attacks.

The first thing that went right for my dad was the fact that my mom immediately recognized the fact that he was having a heart attack and called 9-1-1. He had been working out on the treadmill but was having a hard time catching his breath. He came upstairs, showered and by that time could barely even sit up, this was when my mom made the call. By some stroke of luck, the paramedics that arrived got clearance to take him to our states best heart facility. Normally he would have been taken to a different hospital closer by. Why they got the clearance we can only speculate, but this was the second scenario which helped save my dads life.

Once at the hospital he was immediately put into surgery and had a stint placed in his vessel to help hold it open. He was in the ICU for 3 nights. During this time he was tired but aware of what was going on, mostly he seemed likeĀ  his usual self. He even started asking the Cardiologist when he could start jogging again! He was released after about 4 days in the hospital with instructions to take it easy. He went back for a check up 4 weeks later and some of the restrictions were lifted, he was also able to go back to work.

By this time, life was pretty much back to normal. The first week of August he had an echocardiogram done. My entire family was on edge. Dad seemed to be doing really well, he had even begun jogging again in short bursts. During previous visits the Cardiologist could find nothing of concern with his heart. This all seemed to good to be true and we were basically waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Well…..it didn’t! His echo came back clean! The nurse said there was no noticeable damage, his heart looked like a normal heart besides the fact that he permanently has the stint in place. On Monday, he and my mom celebrated their 30th wedding anniversary and here’s to many, many more!

Add a comment August 18, 2010

Date Night!

Saturday night, Charla slept over at her aunt and uncles for the first time. This was her first time sleeping away from home without mom and dad. I was going back and forth on whether or not to let her do this for the last week. Mostly because of the issues we’ve had at night lately and her need to sleep with approximately 1 million kleenex. Tim was the one really pushing for this. He wanted to have an evening for ourselves, to be able to stay out later and do more adult things. I thought she was probably too young and would wake up in the middle of the night crying inconsolably.

Charla was very excited to go. She kept talking about how she was going to sleep over at aunt RyRy and uncle RyRy’s townhouse. I would ask her when mommy would be back to get her and she would say “after nap”! She cried a little bit when I left her there Saturday afternoon but then after 5 minutes or so she was fine. They took her swimming, went for a walk, played with chalk and it sounded like they all had a good time. The afternoon wasn’t what I was worried about though!

I got a text message shortly after Charla’s bedtime to say that everything had went fine! I was so relieved but knew that things could still go south sometime in the middle of the night. Tim and I had a wonderful time. We went to a discount home remodeling supply store to check out some flooring for our kitchen and front entry way. We had dinner at a sit down adult restaurant and then went walking in a park by Lake Michigan. It was a beautiful night and we didn’t get home until 9:30pm which seemed super late to us! It was weird going to bed knowing Charla wasn’t in the house but I slept well and got to sleep in until 9am, which hasn’t happened in ages.

We went to pick Charla up at 10:30am. She was happy to see us but said that she didn’t want to go home. Her night went really well. She slept through and when she woke in the morning she called for aunt RyRy. So it went as well as could be expected and I think we’re going to have her sleep over again soon. Perhaps the end of September or early October.

Add a comment August 16, 2010

Quiet Evening Thoughts

It is almost 10:00 at night. I am alone in the house. Well, not really. Charla is sleeping in the other room and Dixie and the cats are out by me. However, Tim is gone, finishing up some remodeling for my aunt, and that makes the house feel larger and more quiet. Times like this make me think about life, my life, my life with Charla and Tim, my wants, my goals and desires. How do I want to live my life? What do I want to do with my time here?

Daily life is becoming so consistent. I can predict what the day will bring. I can almost predict the conversations I will have, the food I will eat and the housework I will do. After awhile, it’s like I can put myself on autopilot and just “be” but not really “live”. This makes me sad. I want to go out and enjoy life, I want to marvel at what’s out there. I want to teach Charla the beauty of living.

However, there’s dishes that need to be done. The living room needs to be vacuumed. The poor beta fish really needs his water changed. And I”m tired. Life is going too fast. If I slow down and actually see what is going on around me, I will fall behind. The house will be a mess, dinner won’t be done and Charla will be pulling on my leg wanting me to do something with her. There must be a happy medium. I must find the zest for life that was once there. Oh, I know it’s still there, buried somewhere beneath the surface, waiting to come out again when the chaos slows down again. What if it never slows down? Are pieces of me lost forever? No, I refuse to believe that! Growing up should not mean losing a piece of yourself.

This is my goal for the next week. I want to slow things down a bit and appreciate what’s going on in the world around me, my world. I only get one chance to be here and it’s time to start once again living and appreciating what’s around me.

Add a comment August 14, 2010

Entering New Territory

Things have been a little crazy around here the last few days. Actually, I should say things have been crazy the last few days and nights. Charla has started wanting to hold onto a tissue while she falls asleep. I have no idea what started this obsession with tissue but something triggered it a couple of weeks ago. In the beginning, she would want one when she started crying. Then it progressed to if I told her “no” about something. Now she wants one to fall asleep. However, then she wakes up in the middle of the night and the tissue has traveled to the foot of the bed or is hiding under her blankie and she can’t find it. That’s when I get the call, “Charla needs kleenex”. For now, Tim and I decided to let it be, it’s not that big of a deal if she wants to sleep with a tissue.

Then there’s been the napping issue. I always knew Charla would give up her daily nap a bit earlier than average and we seem to have hit that time. Nap has become a battle of the wills, hers against mine. It’s not pretty and it always involves tears, mostly Charla but I’ve come close as well. Today she cried through her entire nap. I expected the evening to be a total nightmare but she was surprisingly pleasant. At bedtime tonight she asked me to sit by her for a little bit. This is something that started when she transitioned to her big girl bed, I will sit by her for about 5 minutes while she settles, give her another kiss and then let her go to sleep. Well, tonight, Charla was asleep before I even got up to leave! Tomorrow will more than likely be a nap day. She has to be up a little earlier because it’s a school day and she will probably need to catch up a bit from skipping nap today. So, thus begins our journey into no-nap land! Remember when I said she seemed to be gearing up to hit a new milestone? Yeah, I think this is it!

Add a comment August 11, 2010

Changes

Tonight marks a huge milestone for our family. This is Charla’s first night in her big girl bed! No longer is she my baby sleeping in her crib. She is now a full fledged toddler. The bottles were the first to go when she was 14 months old. Shortly before she turned 21 months old, we got rid of the diapers. Tonight, just 1 week before she turns 27 months old, she is out of her crib.

She was so excited to sleep in her big girl bed. I’ve been talking about it with her for about a week now. Tonight Tim and I had some free time to get her crib converted, so we went for it. The whole time we were changing her crib over, she was talking about how she was done with the crib and it was changing to a bed. She climbed on and off that bed for a full 30 minutes once we were done. We talked on the webcam with Papa and Papa Jack (aka grandma and grandpa) and she showed them how she got on and off. When bedtime came around we went through our routine like normal. In the end though, instead of me giving her a kiss and lifting over the side of the crib, she got down off my lap, walked over to her bed and crawled up to lay down. I covered her and bent over to give my big girl a kiss good night.

Little does she know though, she will always be my baby.

Add a comment August 6, 2010

Developments

We seem to have hit another rough patch with Charla. Every few months something like this shows up. After a couple of weeks things settle down and I notice that she’s made another milestone. I’m expecting that this time we will come out the other side with full sentences. She has been stringing together 4-5 words lately and has begun to sort out the “you, me, I” nouns. I cannot even begin to say how excited I am to hear her talk and express herself more. I can’t wait to hear her sing songs, hold conversations with her stuffed animals or tell me what is on her mind. I know we have about another year yet before all of that is realized, but this journey is amazing!

During these weeks of turmoil, I have learned that the best thing to do is avoid argument and keep my temper. Keeping my temper does not mean that I don’t get angry. There are times when I would like nothing more than to scream back at her or even, in my darker moments, give her a little slap. I have been known to shout and slam doors. Slamming doors has always been my thing. My way of releasing energy and letting the people around me know I’m mad. I am proud to say though that I have never struck Charla and hope that I never will.

I keep reminding myself that these are all phases that every one of us has gone through. It is so normal for her to get mad and frustrated. This is as much a part of her development as learning to walk and talk. What I need to do is enjoy all the good times we have together, and there are a lot of good times!

Add a comment August 4, 2010

What Becoming A Mommy Has Taught Me: Part 1

Having been Charla’s mommy now for a little over 2 years, I have learned a lot about both what it means to be a parent and myself. Over the last week I’ve been thinking about what triggered me to parent the way I do. Part of how I parent I’m sure came from my own parents style. My mom was also a stay at home mom and my younger brother and I were the focus of her days for the first few years of our lives.

When I got pregnant, I fully expected to be going back to work. Since I worked in the infant room in a daycare, my baby would be with me all day. However, at her 20 week ultrasound the technician could not get a good look at her umbilical cord. This was the first day of a very long second half of pregnancy. After a more in-depth ultrasound, it turned out her cord did not have all the blood vessels it should have. There are 3 main vessels which run through cords and hers only had 2 of them. Because of this she was prone to problems with her heart, kidney’s and premature birth. The night I found out about this I cried and cried. Tim and I had just found out we were having a girl. I had hoped and wished for a girl my entire pregnancy and I wanted to go shopping for her. This news seemed to suck all the excitement out of what should have been a joyous day.

For me, this was when the protectiveness and guilt began forming. The questioning also started. Why me? Why her? What did I do wrong? Could I have done anything differently? Will she be okay? The rest of the pregnancy went smoothly. I had a few more ultrasounds to make sure her growth was on track and 2 non-stress tests per week. I went into labor during my 36th week. Charla was born weighing 6lb 2oz and was 19 inches long. Her lungs worked brilliantly, she had a bit of jaundice which cleared up on its own and she was able to come home 2 days later.

She was so tiny. I’d never seen something so tiny. She smelled so good. I would sit and hold her, smell the top of her fuzzy head and kiss her squishy cheeks. Now that she was out, all that protectiveness had a focus. I had a very difficult time sharing her. I didn’t like laying her down and wanted her within eyesight at all times of the day. I often wonder if this would have been different if she had not had the cord problem, if she had been born full term or if she would have been a boy.

Due to all of this over protectiveness, Tim and I didn’t go out much. I did not like leaving her even for a few hours. I trusted my parents with her, or my brother and sister in law, I just wanted to be with her all moments of the day. I took over all aspects of parenting. Feeding, bathing, soothing, etc and didn’t leave much for Tim to do. This was the beginning of her developing a super strong attachment to me and basically rejecting everyone else. To a point, we are still dealing with the after effects of this today.

What has all this taught me as a mommy? First of all, accept the help. I would get burned out but unable to pass her off because either Tim wouldn’t know what to do with her or she wouldn’t allow anyone else to sooth her. It also taught me that I need to keep any guilt I feel from effecting her and that most of the time, any guilt I’m feeling is unwarranted anyway. There was nothing I could have changed so her cord would have been healthy. The best thing I could do in the situation was stay monitored and I did that. I’ve also learned that I can be fiercely in love with her but still allow her to be her own person. I can’t control everything she does and sometimes she will make poor choices that will hurt her. While it will hurt me to see that happen, it’s something that she needs to learn and experience for herself.

More insights to come this week!

Add a comment August 2, 2010

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