Archive for September 2010

Middle Ground?

I’ve been trying very hard to put conceiving out of my head. However, it seems the harder I try, the more I think about it. How am I supposed to put something out of mind when it’s a fact of life every month?! It’s really hard to forget about something when you’re actively trying to get that something to happen! There must be some sort of middle ground, I just haven’t been able to find it yet. It’s also hard to forget about making a baby when I have my wonderful daughter beside me all day long. My beautiful daughter who deserves a sibling to share her life with. The one thing I really want to give her, could possibly be the one thing I can’t. This has brought out a lot of unwanted emotions that I now need to sort through and deal with.

Lately, Charla has been 2 going on 16. If she does something unacceptable and I talk to her about it, her response is “Mama, don’t talk to me”! If I take her hand to move her out of someone’s way or to try to get her to follow me, she will say, “Mama, let go of my arm” or “Ow, that hurts”! So, parenting has just gotten that much more interesting!


Add a comment September 30, 2010

Shifting Mindset

Today begins a new month of trying to conceive. This will be our 11th month. At the end of this, it will officially be 1 year of trying. My feelings on this are mixed. I do want another child and preferably sooner rather than later. However, I have also hit a point where I’m finding it too exhausting to continue dwelling on things and talking about it. I think my sister in law feels the same, there was no baby discussion yesterday at all. It was very nice!

My plan from last month will continue. I will chart my temperature, take a B-100 Complex vitamin every day, use OPK’s starting on day 10/11 and use progesterone cream after ovulation has been confirmed. After a few more months of trying, Tim may consider doing an analysis. That is as far as we will go in this process. In fact, I think I have hit the point where I’m going to be focusing on Charla as an only child instead of preparing for a younger sibling. For the last year, the focus has been on extending our family. This focus needs to shift.

Do I think 1 year is a long time to try? No, I don’t. In fact, this year has absolutely flown by! I will continue to try until it is a physical impossibility for me to conceive. However, is 1 year a long time to be planning for something that may or may not happen? Yes! My focus now needs to shift more towards parenting an only child. To me, this is the first step in acceptance. And, if/when I do get pregnant, it will be easy enough to shift back to the extending family mindset!

I’m not quite sure how to explain what I mean by shifting my mindset. It’s just a feeling I’ve had the last year of looking ahead instead of looking at the present. There’s always been a “next year when the baby’s here” type of thought process. Reality is, there may not ever be another baby. This thought does not hurt as much as it would have a few months ago. If it is meant to be, it will be.

I’m going to be okay.

Add a comment September 27, 2010

Home Improvements

Tim and I bought our condo 5 years ago. When we purchased it, it was supposed to be temporary. We thought we would be selling it the summer before our 5 year ARM was up. Well, that hasn’t happened and the way the economy is looking, we won’t be selling for a few years yet. The condo itself is small but nice. It’s a 2 bedroom, 1 bath. The living room is rather large but it is rectangular which can make it difficult to arrange furniture. Our kitchen is a bit on the small side, but workable. Tim had started doing a bit of remodeling on it the winter after Charla was born. He put a pass through in the wall dividing the living room and kitchen. This really opened the space up. Then he got laid off.

Ever since then we haven’t been able to afford any home improvements. Our condo was built in the late 70’s, so there are a few things which are outdated. The bathroom flooring needs to be redone and the counters in both the kitchen and bathroom should be replaced. The tile in the tub needs to be torn out. It has been frustrating to just sit here in a house that we’re really not all that pleased with but no money to make the necessary changes.

Finally though, we are starting to get back on our feet! We are slowly starting to pay off our debt. So, last night we went to Home Depot and picked out some wooden laminate flooring which Tim will install next weekend. It’s going to look beautiful! We also got Charla a new door for her bedroom because her current door sticks horribly. We will eventually be replacing all the doors in the house with new doors. The cupboards in the kitchen will be sanded and stained. The flooring in the bathroom will be replaced and I think I’m either going to paint the wooden vanity in there or take the doors off and hang fabric curtains.

I’m really hoping that by making these changes, I will be able to think of this place more like home. I didn’t really want to buy this condo, Tim did. Since it was supposed to be only temporary I agreed. It’s been a bit of a sore spot between us. Not that what happened is either of our faults, it just wasn’t what we had wanted. We had wanted to start our family here, move and then grow our family. It is time to stop moping about what isn’t and start dealing with what is.

Add a comment September 26, 2010

28 Months

So, it’s been awhile again. I keep telling myself I’m going to log on and then for some reason I get side tracked. The last few weeks have been very busy. Charla has preschool on Monday and Wednesday mornings. On Tuesday mornings, I usually take her to a local center for playgroup. On Thursday and Friday, I try to run errands or take her to a park if it’s nice out. Our weeks fly by!

Last week Charla turned 28 months old. It is so hard to believe she has been in my life for only 28 months. I really feel like I have known her my entire life. She and I have this special bond right now. I hope we will be able to maintain this bond our entire lives. Of course there are times when she gets on my nerves and probably times when I get on her nerves as well! However, we’re able to work past that quickly. Things probably won’t always run this smoothly. I’m definitely not naive enough to think we won’t ever butt heads.

Her speech has grown by leaps and bounds. I am constantly amazed at the new things she says. She says words now that I didn’t think she had ever even heard! I guess she listens a lot more closely than I ever imagined. Tonight during bath she started singing Twinkle Twinkle and the ABC’s. She sings Twinkle Twinkle pretty much word for word. She even knows some of the hand motions. The ABC’s she sings very well too. She says most of the letters but there are still some parts of the song that she mumbles through. I’m still so proud of her though!

As for me, this has been a pretty good month. I haven’t felt much stress this month, which has been a huge relief. The past few months I’ve felt like I was drowning. It is so hard to constantly feel the weight of the world on your shoulders. This month has been filled with much more laughter and smiles. One thing I have noticed though is that there is beginning to be more distance between my family and my brother and sister-in-law. I’m not sure if this is just a matter of all of us being busy or if it’s a bit of avoidance on both of our parts. Either way, it has been a bit of a relief and I’m not sure why. On Sunday they will probably be coming over, so I guess I will see how we get along.

Add a comment September 25, 2010

The Good and The Bad

It’s been one of those days where things just burn me from the inside. Something happens or someone says something and I take it the wrong way. Or perhaps I take it the way they intended and it effects me more than it should. I think my emotions are a bit raw right now. I would love to go hide away somewhere for a few months, just me, Tim and Charla. Then I wouldn’t have to worry about…..anything really!

This weekend was wonderful. We got together with family and celebrated my dads birthday! It was so great to celebrate that this year since we almost didn’t get to. Charla had an absolute blast and showed off to anyone who would pay her attention. We stayed out late, which we hardly ever do, and Charla handled it like a champ. She even slept in the next day which was AMAZING!

Then Monday we got together with my brother and sister-in-law. The day was fine but something was off. I asked my mom today if she felt something was going on with sister-in-law and she said that she thought the process of trying for a baby was wearing her down. Seriously?! Ummmm, I’ve been trying for a year, sister-in-law has been on clomid for 3 months! So then I feel hurt and try to talk to Tim about it and he acts like I’m blowing things out of proportion. Maybe I am. Maybe I shouldn’t be so sensitive. But you know what? It hurts and it’s frustrating and some days I feel like no one understands, even though I know that’s not true. Some days I want to scream and yell at how unfair this last year has been for me and my family. But deep down I know that there has been wonderful times as well and we have been blessed with so much good sprinkled in amongst the bad. How can I possibly think that nothing good has happened to me lately?!

Anyway, Charla has been so funny lately! Here’s a conversation today that had me laughing:

We were all getting ready to go outside. I was getting Charla’s shoes on as Tim was heading out the door. Charla said, “No daddy go outside alone.” I said, “Daddy is just going outside to start draining the pool. Then we’ll meet him out there”. To which Charla replied, “Well, we no want Daddy to get lost”!

She is so cute and funny! So smart and thoughtful. She will make a super big sister one day!

Add a comment September 9, 2010

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