Archive for October 2010

Self Pity

Trying for a baby is such a waiting game. It has so many ups and downs. Some days I feel super optimistic and other days I feel like I will never again hold a newborn. The last few months have been bad for me. The end of the wait comes and I feel so upset, useless and disappointed. It gets to the point sometimes where I just want to crawl into bed, pull the covers over my head and sleep for the rest of the day. Obviously, that’s not a possibility having Charla. However, then I feel like I’m taking things out on her because I don’t have the patience to deal with her very age appropriate demands. I can’t continue on like this.

It’s been a year. I could go to the doctor now and perhaps he would find something. Maybe a hormone level is low or a thyroid problem, both of which I doubt. Call me masochistic, but I don’t want to go to the doctor. I don’t want tests, I don’t want to know what’s wrong. I want to pretend I never started trying for another baby. I want Charla to be enough. I want to focus on other things in my life and build on those instead of continue chasing my tail regarding a second child. I’m done. I’m thoroughly exhausted of the entire process……and I’m MAD.

I go through periods where I’m furious with whatever higher being is out there. I’m mad at no one and I’m mad at everyone, if that makes sense. I’m mad at the process. Mad at my body. Mad at how easy it was to conceive Charla, like I was being teased. And, I’m mad at myself. Mad that I have let this effect me this way. Mad that I can’t just accept the daughter I have and allow her to be enough.

I’m also sad. At moments, I’m so sad I don’t know how I’m going to continue on. I want to disappear. I want to turn invisible so no one can see me and I can wallow in my own self pity. I want to take it out on myself, show my pain on the outside.

So, I’m done. We are no longer trying to conceive. Perhaps in the years to come Tim and I will revisit this topic. For now though, probably for the next few years, this is on the back burner. And that is a giant weight lifted from my shoulders.


Add a comment October 25, 2010

A Poor Fit

This morning, Tim and I made the decision to pull Charla out of her current preschool and move her to a different one. Charla has been at this preschool since the first week in June. She goes twice per week for about 4.5 hours per day. However, she is not getting used to it. She continues to have a super hard time at drop off and will even start crying about not wanting to go to school right away in the morning before we leave the house! This doesn’t feel right to me.

So, when I went to pick her up this afternoon I handed in her 2 week notice. The director kept saying that she didn’t go enough to be used to things. I call bull on that! She isn’t some little baby that forgets people if she doesn’t see them in two days. She knows these peoples names and should be able to remember from day to day what it’s like there. Do I need her to run with open arms to the teacher at drop off? No, absolutely not. However, I do expect her to not be clinging to me still, by the 5th month.

Her new preschool will be the one in which I worked while pregnant with her. I know all (or at least most) of the ladies working there and I hope it will be a better fit for her. I initially wanted to start her there in the summer but the benefit of starting her in this other center was she would be in her aunts room for the first couple of months. This didn’t make much difference in regards to drop off , but I think overall she did do better in her aunt’s room. In her current room the teachers tell me she settles down at circle time, which I found out today isn’t until 9:30 and she gets dropped off a little before 8am!

I’m really hoping this is the right decision. I know she takes longer to warm up to different situations. I feel like I’ve given the center a chance. Hopefully my sister in law won’t be too upset since she works there, but I have to do what’s right for my family. Tomorrow I will be going to the new center to drop off my holding check and get a tour. I’m hoping to be able to talk to the teachers a bit as well. Then I plan to take drop off the first day slow. If it takes her an hour to warm up, then fine but I’ll stay with her until she’s more comfortable.

Add a comment October 18, 2010

Fall Fun and the Home Remodel

Our kitchen remodel has begun! Tim got the laminate floor laid, took out the closet in the kitchen, installed a dishwasher in the closet space and is now adding the trim moulding! It looks amazing but oh boy, I can’t wait to have my kitchen back! We still need to paint the cabinets, replace the back door and install the recessed lighting. Slowly, we will get there slowly.

On Friday we took Charla to the pumpkin farm. We took a hay ride to the pumpkin patch and Charla got to pick her own pumpkin. It was so cute and she had a lot of fun. Then yesterday we went for a hike in the woods. This is something Tim and I used to do a lot of before having Charla. We would pack up our dogs and go hiking for hours. After Charla was born, we either didn’t have the time, the energy or perhaps both. Now that she’s older though, she can easily tag along. That is the one great thing about my child getting older, more flexibility!

The other day I noticed that Charla is cutting her first 2-year molar! I am always hearing horror stories about these teeth, so I was surprised to see one in there without her head having spun around for at least two weeks! I told her if her mouth hurt or she got a headache to tell me and I would give her medicine. So far though, she hasn’t said anything and life has gone on as normal (knock on wood!).

I have more to write but Charla is done with snack and wanting to play. Hopefully I will get some time to check back again tomorrow!

Add a comment October 17, 2010

Kitchen Remodel

Tim installed our new kitchen floor on Saturday. The house was a complete disaster for two days. Having construction going on in my house drives me crazy! The new floor however, looks amazing. It is wooden laminate. Of course, whenever you start a project you run into a million other things you then want to take on. We plan on working on the kitchen for the rest of the year. After that, we are going to take on the bathroom. In the kitchen we are going to:

*Put a dishwasher in the closet. Right now, we have a mammoth of a dishwasher that gets rolled around. We want to permanently place a smaller dishwasher and, since we don’t have much cupboard space to begin with, the closet seems like a logical place.

*Paint the walls and cupboards. We have very nice wooden cupboards. So, instead of replacing them, we are going to paint them white. Since the walls of our kitchen are already a very light color, they are going to need brightening up so the room doesn’t look washed out. I picked out a lovely light blue color. Hopefully we’re going to get some painting done tonight after Charla’s in bed.

*Replace the hardware on the cupboards. Both the handles and the hinges need to go. They are outdated and I want silver instead of gold. We started shopping around to see what we could find. Nothing really jumped out at us yet. I want something simple but modern.

*Install a new sink and counter top. Our counter top is from the 70’s which means it is a lovely bright yellow (note the sarcasm). Tim wants to try painting it with an oil based paint and then going over it with a heavy duty clear coat. Supposedly this is supposed to look really neat. I have my doubts but will try it anyway. If I don’t like it, we’ll replace the counter and won’t be any worse for the wear. The sink we currently have is porcelain and very scratched and stained. I want a stainless steel sink.

*New back door. Our back door is old looking and it has a big deadbolt on it that doesn’t work anymore. I want to get a solid wooden door with panels.

I think that’s it! It looks like I’m going to be putting a few extra hours in at work!

Add a comment October 6, 2010


Fall is fast approaching. The temperature this weekend isn’t supposed to get out of the 50’s. The trees are changing color and dropping their leaves. Charla says the trees are “crying” when their leaves fall off. When we go for walks, she is constantly stopping to pick up a leaf, “oh, a pretty one mommy”! She also loves to stomp through a pile of them and listen to the crunch. I admit, I like that too!

The only reason I don’t like fall is because that means winter is just around the corner. I’m not a fan of winter at all! I don’t like the freezing cold and I really don’t like the snow. Last winter, Charla didn’t like the snow either. Tim would take her outside in her little snow pants and boots and she would just stand in one place the entire time. Soon she would get cold and start crying. Hopefully, she’s a little more open to playing outside this winter or it is going to be a very long season!

Today we went to the park. This will probably be one of the last times we are able to go. It amazes me how much Charla’s changed in the course of a summer. Earlier in the summer she was still having difficulties climbing the stairs to get to the slide, remaining upright while going down a slide and walking across wooden bridges. Now though, she’s like an old pro. She’s all over the equipment, up the stairs, down the slide, across the balance beam. All she needs me to do is be impressed and that’s not a hard job at all! We have reached the final few months of toddlerhood. By the time this winter is over, she will be a little kid.

Add a comment October 1, 2010

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