Self Pity

October 25, 2010 mommytobeaver
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Trying for a baby is such a waiting game. It has so many ups and downs. Some days I feel super optimistic and other days I feel like I will never again hold a newborn. The last few months have been bad for me. The end of the wait comes and I feel so upset, useless and disappointed. It gets to the point sometimes where I just want to crawl into bed, pull the covers over my head and sleep for the rest of the day. Obviously, that’s not a possibility having Charla. However, then I feel like I’m taking things out on her because I don’t have the patience to deal with her very age appropriate demands. I can’t continue on like this.

It’s been a year. I could go to the doctor now and perhaps he would find something. Maybe a hormone level is low or a thyroid problem, both of which I doubt. Call me masochistic, but I don’t want to go to the doctor. I don’t want tests, I don’t want to know what’s wrong. I want to pretend I never started trying for another baby. I want Charla to be enough. I want to focus on other things in my life and build on those instead of continue chasing my tail regarding a second child. I’m done. I’m thoroughly exhausted of the entire process……and I’m MAD.

I go through periods where I’m furious with whatever higher being is out there. I’m mad at no one and I’m mad at everyone, if that makes sense. I’m mad at the process. Mad at my body. Mad at how easy it was to conceive Charla, like I was being teased. And, I’m mad at myself. Mad that I have let this effect me this way. Mad that I can’t just accept the daughter I have and allow her to be enough.

I’m also sad. At moments, I’m so sad I don’t know how I’m going to continue on. I want to disappear. I want to turn invisible so no one can see me and I can wallow in my own self pity. I want to take it out on myself, show my pain on the outside.

So, I’m done. We are no longer trying to conceive. Perhaps in the years to come Tim and I will revisit this topic. For now though, probably for the next few years, this is on the back burner. And that is a giant weight lifted from my shoulders.


Entry Filed under: Operation pregnancy

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