Posts tagged ‘trying to conceive ‘




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Back in January, Tim and I decided to take a break from trying for our second child. Tim had just started a new job, our insurance was switching and I had just started some part-time freelance writing. We waited for 4 months before deciding we were ready to begin again. This month was our first month of trying and, of course, it’s going to be a bust.

I don’t know what’s wrong. What I do know is that neither Tim nor I want to spend a fortune (that we don’t have) on treatment. I talked to my Ob/Gyn back in late fall and he didn’t seem concerned. He said for some couples it can take up to 3 years. This is frustrating but it doesn’t mean there is something wrong. I don’t feel like there is something wrong, so I declined further testing.

I feel like we need a stopping point though now that we are back on the wagon and Charla is 3 years old. We agreed to try for 24 more cycles. Charla will be 5 years old and starting Kindergarten in the fall. I feel we will be so far out of the baby stage that we won’t want to go back. I’m already sort of reaching this point. I had wanted the kids about 2.5 years apart. The fact that this is not going to happen just plain sucks. It’s not fair but I can’t control it. I refuse to let it get me down. I have a beautiful daughter, a loving family and my husband is my best friend. What more can I ask for?!

So, I am starting the countdown this cycle. I’m crossing my fingers that by the end of this a baby will be on the way. If not, I have to move on. I only have one life to live and I want to enjoy it to the absolute fullest.

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Add a comment May 28, 2011

What is Meant to Be, Will Be

I’ve put the topic of trying to conceive on the sidelines now for awhile. It has still been a part of my life but I have tried very hard not to let it take over. I think I have succeeded for the most part. However, it has been 14 months now of trying and I figured it was time to get checked out and make sure everything is working the way it should be. Yesterday, I called and made my appointment.

I know it’s important to know if something is not right with me. However, I don’t think it’s going to be as simple as a thyroid issue, pop a few pills and I’ll be knocked up. More than likely, this is something that Tim and I will need to discuss. Do we want to do infertility treatment? How much do we want to spend? When will we know enough is enough? Should we just adopt? What is God’s plan for us and our family? As you can see, I have a lot of questions. None of which will be answered easily.

I’m not an overly religious or spiritual person. I’ve never been 100% certain where my beliefs lie. One thing I’ve always been a firm believer on though, is that life is a journey. We all have different roads we need to travel. What we learn on those travels is what helps shape us to be the people we are. This journey has taught me that there are some things that are out of my control and, being the control freak that I am, this has been a tough pill to swallow. It has also made me a better person and a more understanding person.

I place a lot of  trust in the fact that what is mine, will not pass me by. If I am meant to have another child, I will. It may take a little longer but once it happens, it will be exactly the way it should be. If Charla is meant to be an only child, I will make the best of that and enjoy her to the fullest. If Tim and I are meant to adopt a child, our eyes will be opened to that and we will find the perfect child for our family.

What is meant to be, will be. However, in one of my confirmation classes, the Pastor said something I have never forgotten. He asked, “When are you finished with a prayer”? Of course all of us answered “when you say ‘Amen'”. No, this is not correct. You are done with a prayer when you act on it.

Add a comment December 22, 2010

Self Pity

Trying for a baby is such a waiting game. It has so many ups and downs. Some days I feel super optimistic and other days I feel like I will never again hold a newborn. The last few months have been bad for me. The end of the wait comes and I feel so upset, useless and disappointed. It gets to the point sometimes where I just want to crawl into bed, pull the covers over my head and sleep for the rest of the day. Obviously, that’s not a possibility having Charla. However, then I feel like I’m taking things out on her because I don’t have the patience to deal with her very age appropriate demands. I can’t continue on like this.

It’s been a year. I could go to the doctor now and perhaps he would find something. Maybe a hormone level is low or a thyroid problem, both of which I doubt. Call me masochistic, but I don’t want to go to the doctor. I don’t want tests, I don’t want to know what’s wrong. I want to pretend I never started trying for another baby. I want Charla to be enough. I want to focus on other things in my life and build on those instead of continue chasing my tail regarding a second child. I’m done. I’m thoroughly exhausted of the entire process……and I’m MAD.

I go through periods where I’m furious with whatever higher being is out there. I’m mad at no one and I’m mad at everyone, if that makes sense. I’m mad at the process. Mad at my body. Mad at how easy it was to conceive Charla, like I was being teased. And, I’m mad at myself. Mad that I have let this effect me this way. Mad that I can’t just accept the daughter I have and allow her to be enough.

I’m also sad. At moments, I’m so sad I don’t know how I’m going to continue on. I want to disappear. I want to turn invisible so no one can see me and I can wallow in my own self pity. I want to take it out on myself, show my pain on the outside.

So, I’m done. We are no longer trying to conceive. Perhaps in the years to come Tim and I will revisit this topic. For now though, probably for the next few years, this is on the back burner. And that is a giant weight lifted from my shoulders.

Add a comment October 25, 2010

Middle Ground?

I’ve been trying very hard to put conceiving out of my head. However, it seems the harder I try, the more I think about it. How am I supposed to put something out of mind when it’s a fact of life every month?! It’s really hard to forget about something when you’re actively trying to get that something to happen! There must be some sort of middle ground, I just haven’t been able to find it yet. It’s also hard to forget about making a baby when I have my wonderful daughter beside me all day long. My beautiful daughter who deserves a sibling to share her life with. The one thing I really want to give her, could possibly be the one thing I can’t. This has brought out a lot of unwanted emotions that I now need to sort through and deal with.

Lately, Charla has been 2 going on 16. If she does something unacceptable and I talk to her about it, her response is “Mama, don’t talk to me”! If I take her hand to move her out of someone’s way or to try to get her to follow me, she will say, “Mama, let go of my arm” or “Ow, that hurts”! So, parenting has just gotten that much more interesting!

Add a comment September 30, 2010

Shifting Mindset

Today begins a new month of trying to conceive. This will be our 11th month. At the end of this, it will officially be 1 year of trying. My feelings on this are mixed. I do want another child and preferably sooner rather than later. However, I have also hit a point where I’m finding it too exhausting to continue dwelling on things and talking about it. I think my sister in law feels the same, there was no baby discussion yesterday at all. It was very nice!

My plan from last month will continue. I will chart my temperature, take a B-100 Complex vitamin every day, use OPK’s starting on day 10/11 and use progesterone cream after ovulation has been confirmed. After a few more months of trying, Tim may consider doing an analysis. That is as far as we will go in this process. In fact, I think I have hit the point where I’m going to be focusing on Charla as an only child instead of preparing for a younger sibling. For the last year, the focus has been on extending our family. This focus needs to shift.

Do I think 1 year is a long time to try? No, I don’t. In fact, this year has absolutely flown by! I will continue to try until it is a physical impossibility for me to conceive. However, is 1 year a long time to be planning for something that may or may not happen? Yes! My focus now needs to shift more towards parenting an only child. To me, this is the first step in acceptance. And, if/when I do get pregnant, it will be easy enough to shift back to the extending family mindset!

I’m not quite sure how to explain what I mean by shifting my mindset. It’s just a feeling I’ve had the last year of looking ahead instead of looking at the present. There’s always been a “next year when the baby’s here” type of thought process. Reality is, there may not ever be another baby. This thought does not hurt as much as it would have a few months ago. If it is meant to be, it will be.

I’m going to be okay.

Add a comment September 27, 2010

Coming To Terms

So, I’ve been a bit MIA lately. This is mostly due to the fact that I’ve been hiding out from my thoughts and feelings for the last week. Another month has gone by in which I did not get pregnant. This month I began charting my morning temp (BBT) and realized that the amount of time between ovulation and menstruation is not long enough. It needs to be 10 days minimum and mine was only 9 days.

Now I begin to ask myself, how much do I want this second child? Actually, that’s not even the right question. The real question should be, how much am I willing to do for a second child? This baby would be very wanted and loved, there’s no doubt about that. However, I am not too willing to be put on different medications, observed and tested. I definitely respect the women who decide to go this route, but I don’t have it in me. So, I came up with my own plan.

This month I am going to be charting my BBT again and will continue to do so until I get pregnant. I started taking 100mg of the vitamin B-6, which is supposed to aid in the production of progesterone. This afternoon I ordered some progesterone cream which I will use every day, twice per day, after ovulation until I’m either sure that month is a no go or until I’m 12 weeks pregnant. I’m also going to buy some ovulation predictor kits so I can pinpoint the correct day in my cycle. I’ve also started dieting in hopes that losing a bit of weight will help.

I need to be proactive about this my own way or it’s going to eat me up. I had really wanted Charla to be close in age to her little sibling. At this point, the closest they will be is 3 years. I have to come to terms with this. I need to set aside my ideal expectations. Life doesn’t always go the way one plans it to and it can be so hard to let those plans go. I think it’s okay to mourn the loss of the plans, but at the same time, it’s not healthy to dwell on them.

1 comment August 28, 2010

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